Schrute-isms

Since I haven't been able to come up with an interesting post in a while, I thought I would post a list of Schrute-isms that I found. Dwight is probably the most amusing charater on The Office and I get a little chuckle when I read these:

1) Remember on Lost when they met The Others?

2) Jim: Hey, Dwight. As sempai, do you ever think there's going to be a day when humans and robots can peacefully coexist?
Dwight: Impossible, in the way they're programmed... You're mocking me.

3) You can't fire me. I don't work for you in the VAN.

4) I was out last night getting drunk with my Laser Tag team…

5) Dwight: I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I could lower it.

6) It is blood that moves the wheels of history (much fist pumping and podium pounding included)

7) That is the law, according to the rules.

8) It has to be official, and it has to be urine.

9) Pam: Nice tux Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks. It was my grandfather's. He was buried in it.

10) This is not Kelly Kapoor story-hour! Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line!

11) Dwight: Can I have a gun?
Security Guard: No, I don't have a gun.
Dwight: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bo-staff.

12) Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

13) A thirty-year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls... so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

14) Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim: OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: Uh, Leprosy? Flesh Eating Bacteria. Hot Dog Fingers. Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection?

15) In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild healthcare is 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me, and I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

16) Dwight: Uh, knock please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim: It says 'workspace'.
Dwight: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing then why'd you write 'workspace'?
Dwight: Just knock, please. Okay? A sign of respect for a superior.
Jim: You are not my superior.
Dwight: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim: I thought it was a workspace.

17) ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I were deranged?

18) Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game: convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might've learned a very valuable lesson.

19) I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.

20) Question, where can I put my terrarium?

21) I don't believe you. Continue.

22) The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

23) My father's name was Dwight Shrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Shrute. His father name... Dwide Shrude. Amish.

24) So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res…? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell too. And I will see you there...burning. Fine! Okay, wait. So you'll let me know when you've made a decision?

25) I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are...at vision.

26) There wasn't the Long Ranger, and Tonto and Bonto.

27) Do you think this is a good idea Jim; a hide a key rock?

28) Shirts on or off?

29) When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

30) Me and Michael are like Mozart...and Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy… You mess with Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head. Courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

31) My middle name is NOT fart...

32) Do you wanna die? DO YOU WANNA DIE?

33) Four years of malfeasance unreported, THIS CANNOT STAND!

34) I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

35) I didn't become a Lackawanna county volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

36) Why should I tip someone for a job I am capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a Taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. However I did tip my urologist because I can't pulverize my own kidney stones.

37) One word, two syllables: DEMARCATION.

38) Otherwise, it's just malfeasance, for malfeasances' sake.

39) Oscar visited Mexico when he was 5 to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States Law Enforcement Officer? He's a potential drug mule.

40) tit-for-tit

41) It is amazing how many yeast infections there are in this county. Probably because we live down the river... from that old bread factory.

42) Have you ever -- pooped -- a balloon?

43) And in conclusion, I think Lex Luthor said it best when he said, “Dad, you have no idea what I’m capable of.”

44) I can and will go to New Zealand and walk the trail to Mt. Doom.

45) Question. Do I still have my shoes?

46) Hey everyone, guess what they don't teach in business school: how to work a toaster oven.

47) Do you THINK, or do you KNOW?

48) What is the clitoris?

49) Codename Remax is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.

50) Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis.
Jim: Sounds Tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

51) We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them. In that way we honor them.

52) Dwight: Let me give you a piece of advice, I am not afraid to make an example of you.
Jim: That's not advice, what advice sounds like is this, don't bring your purple belt to work, because someone might steal it.
Dwight: Jim, give that back it is not a toy. It is a message, to show everyone in the office that I am capable of physically dominating them.

53) That is defacement of company property, so you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.

54) Keep your acceptance speeches short. I have wrap-it-up music and I'm not afraid to use it.

55) As a volunteer sheriff's deputy, I've been doing surveillance for years. One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out, she was. With a couple of guys, actually. So... Mystery solved.

56) Here, let me take you from behind...

57) Where were you? And don't say the bathroom, cause I kicked in all of the stalls.

58) Dwight: This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.
Angela: Fine.
Dwight: What about that meeting, later, to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes. But don't expect any cookie.
Dwight: But what if I'm hungry?
Angela: No cookie.

59) Michael: Dwight, what are you doing here?
Dwight: You said that for when Darryl comes you want me here for protection.

60) The perfect girl for me would be Konikotaka. She was orphaned at age 10 when her parents were assassinated, and she was taken in by a wealthy, but very cruel, businessman. So she secretly practiced aikido for YEARS until she could avenge the death of her parents. She's also a survivor of monster rape.

61) Dwight: Excuse me. I’m sorry, but that’s not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great. What is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people. People that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster. And must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Okay, you’re thinking of a superhero.
Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart.

62) You're going to give me this raise. I deserve this raise. The least you could do is keep my salary consistent with inflation...wakaw...yes! Why are you going to give me this raise? Why? Because I'm awesome, I'm awesome.

63) You may refer to me as Mr. Shrute.

64) The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children. So we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains for vegetables, they would get the weakest of the brood. (laughs) No, they didn't eat the children... It never came to that.

65) Don't worry Michael; I'm taking us to shore

66) Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it, and then you have to tame it, keep it happy, care for it, feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

67) Dwight: It's a terrible idea.
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them when they're all together. If they stay in there too long they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

68) You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.

69) I know this Russian website you can download songs for a penny but their all in Russian.

70) Aw man! Am I a woman?

71) Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas.

72) And like you have planted this beet seed in the ground I am going to plant my seed in you.

73) When I die I want to be frozen and if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that know what hold he had me in.

74) Get a knife and cut in all the way around the throat and make sure you have a bucket for the blood, innards, and feathers!

75) I can travel anywhere, except Cuba

76) Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? - no, frankly I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? ...you tell me.

77) You must be PMSing really bad, huh?

78) How would I describe myself? Three words — hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable.

79) 2 hours of personal paintball lessons with me is worth easily like 2 grand.

80) There needs to be another plague.

81) You never know when you're going to be attacked by a grizzly bear.

82) I look forward to downsizing; in fact I requested it in my interview.

83) I am 99% sure that is not the real Ben Franklin. I don’t care what Jim says.